The Universe and I

I love writing about relationships, especially romantic ones. It is because I have had a handful of experiences myself, and I have been exposed to different ways of being in a relationship. That variety actually fascinates me. I think what fascinates me most is that there is no real standard for what we should want, need, or ask for in a romantic relationship with a partner.

When we get something different from the norm, we often feel like the relationship is no longer worth it. That is fascinating. I do not know why we want everything to be similar, or why we want what other people have and assume that is a universal. The act of relating to another individual is fascinating. We walk around the world as individuals, with our own identities and our own experiences, yet we expect that when we meet another person, we will somehow share a similar experience. But they are a completely different individual, possibly in another country, race, or climate, yet we still expect alignment.

When a relationship ends, we tend to use that as a guide for what kind of relationship to avoid in the future. For example, if I was in an abusive relationship with a partner who did not care for me, did not prioritize me, was constantly busy chasing other things, and made me feel sick emotionally, I might then look for the complete opposite in my next relationship. I would hold onto the hurt of that previous relationship.

You can often tell when someone has not dealt with their relationship trauma. Just look at dating profiles or social media. People say things like, “I don’t want a partner who doesn’t work,” or “I don’t want someone who parties a lot,” or, “I don’t want someone who doesn’t go to church,” followed by a whole list of what they do not want. To me, that is a clear sign someone is still processing pain. People usually do not reject things they have never experienced, they react to past experiences.

We believe we need to project a certain energy into the world and declare to the universe what we do not want. But it becomes strange when someone’s list is so extensive, it makes you wonder: who exactly are they looking for? And what is the point of saying you do not want specific traits in someone?

A friend of mine once met a woman on a dating app. One of her dealbreakers was not wanting to date someone who already had kids. But my friend had a kid. Still, when they met in person, after all the pleasantries and back-and-forth, they had such strong chemistry that he told her about his child. Despite her earlier stance, she was willing to overlook it. They ended up getting married. Now, his child and the woman have such a strong bond, you would swear she was the biological mother.

That makes you wonder: did she put that preference out there because of a previous dreadful experience? Maybe she once dated someone with a child and did not enjoy it, so she assumed she would never want that again. But humans are complex. Dating experiences are nuanced. What you went through with one person may not repeat the same way with someone else.

In fact, those difficult past experiences are supposed to make you more resilient. If a new partner does something your ex once did, say, being emotionally unavailable, you should be better equipped to handle it if you have worked through the trauma. The key is figuring out why those things hurt so much in the first place. Once you have concrete answers, you are better prepared to deal with similar behaviors in the future. You know how to ask questions, assess the situation, and address it with your partner. Sometimes your partner may not even realize they are doing something hurtful. But if you have done the work, you can respond instead of reacting and possibly help change the dynamic.

Of course, if someone is stubborn and unwilling to change, then you have a decision to make. But relationships are meant to challenge us. We get into situations we have never experienced before, and they overwhelm us. That is often why relationships end, not because of something inherently wrong, but because the situation was new and we did not know how to handle it.

If you ask someone why they broke up with a partner, it is usually because they found themselves in unfamiliar territory. And instead of navigating through it, they chose to walk away.